Monday, October 09, 2006

London: The Devil Drives a BMW

It was a coup of biblical proportions. I had not only managed to get both Jez and our flattie Ronnie to see the chick flick of the century, The Devil Wears Prada, but I had also managed to get a £5 ticket from some schmuck who had accidentally bought 1 too many tickets on the net.

The only trick was getting 3 seats together in a packed cinema when the movie started in 2 minutes. Ronnie decided to throw caution to the wind and go buy himself an ice cream. Jez and I ran around the cinema frantically trying to find somewhere decent to sit. Alas, we had no choice but to sit only a few rows from the front.

Straining to see the entire screen through our glasses I jumped over my seat to the row behind which was infinitely better. I beseeched Jez to join me. Sure it was very unposh to jump over seats but we had to work quickly. The only problem was there were only 2 seats together. Perhaps the elderly couple next to the vacant seats would move up one? I asked as politely as I could but the rudeness I received in return horrified me. "No!" The grumpy fat man said.
"We are very comfortable were we are sitting," chimed his grumpy fat wife.
"Please, the seats in front are terrible and our friend will be here soon..." I said.
"Well that's not our problem, we are quite happy here."
Jez jumped over the seat to sit with me agreeing that 1 row back made all the difference.

Finally Ronnie arrived with his ice cream. We motioned for him to sit in the single seat next to the grumpy fat man. He looked confused. I leaned over and said "sorry we couldnt get 3 seats together".
"What?" He couldnt hear me over the fat couples' bellies.
Ronnie did exactly what I had hoped he would do and use his pommy charm to get the couple to move.
"No! We are quite comfortable sitting here," was the response.

We sat stunned for a moment. There was no way they would move now so we had no other choice but to declare war.

Jez leaned over and shouted to Ronnie for a bite of his ice cream. Ronnie passed the half eaten, half melted ice cream across the enemy. Jez turned away to face me, pretending to eat the ice cream then passed it back over to Ronnie. A few minutes later I too decided to take a pretend bite of this ice cream so I called across and asked for a bite. The ice cream arrived in the same state it had left Jez. I pretended to take a bite and then Jez passed it back to Ronnie. This time the grumpy man pushed Jeremy's hand and told him it was enough and to stop playing games.
"Don't they play games in the geriatric ward?" Jez taunted.
The man began to froth at the mouth. There was copious amount of spittle on his chin now and Jez politely advised him he was dribbling all over himself.
Jez turned to his wife and said “well he is…”
They were not amused.
The movie began.
Not even 1 minute into the movie, Jez asked the wife if she was enjoying it. She chose to ignore him.

Although we had not run out of things to do to annoy them, we did want to watch the movie. But not until I scrunched up my ticket and threw it at the grumpy man. He did not know where it came from. Score!

The credits rolled and all 3 of us sat for as long as possible so that the couple would have to wait for us to move. They were trapped but since they were so slow and fat our plan was wasted on them.

We walked to our car and as I got in I spied them walking to their car. It was not yet over. As luck would have it, Ronnie managed to drive right past their BMW as they were getting in to it. We hooted like 16 year old hooligans. We lapped the car park to do it again and managed to drive past their car just as they were reversing. We stopped the car, T-Boning them so they were blocked in.

We sat there.
They sat there.
No one moved.
They were trapped.

Finally, the man got out of his car. Spittle had pooled on his red chin. He was huffing and puffing and enraged. He arrived at the Ronnie’s window viperous telling him to move his damn car.
"No!” Said Ronnie, “we are quite comfortable here..."

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Cambridge: Portaloo, couldnt escape if I wanted to...

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Thanks to my husband, it is now on public record that I am not longer a Jewish Australian Princess. That if absolutely neccessary I will find a house under construction complete with a portaloo to find relief...even in a posh area like Cambridge!

Cambridge: The Cow Incident

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I like to call the above photo "the calm before the storm". Here we have a perfectly innocent picture of a tree standing between Jez and a cow. What you cannot see is that this cow was actually trying to relieve itself of an itch on said tree. It was pretty cute so I insisted that Jeremy have a photo with it.

What followed was a series of provocations which led to me being attacked by a cow and Jeremy saving the day. Now I don't wish to play the blame game here but I believe there is sufficient evidence to prove that most of this provocation was done but the less fairer of the JETZ team.

The video below shows another a cow in the paddock we were walking through being filmed in its 'natural state'. Other provocations included moo noises and references to burger king.

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I must admit, at the time I didn't think the cows minded being filmed. As you may have heard I simply told Jez in the video he lacked decorum. I told him this was Cambridge after all!

However, shortly after this footage was taken another cow headed towards me and started to head butt me. I moved backwards. She moved forwards and butted me again. I figured if I ran she would run after me, pin me to the ground and make me beg for mercy before trampling all over me and turning me into a beef patty. Oh the irony!

So I lowered my head and crouched down slightly thinking she would realise I was not a threat. This did not work. The cow advanced. Jeremy meanwhile, put on his blue cape and red undies and stepped in to distract the cow. I made my escape. The cow had found a new victim. However, Jez did not follow in my footsteps. He simply moved to the side and the cow continued on.

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This is a re-enactment of a cow moving in one direction. One simply has to move out of its way and not stand there pretending to be a lesser creature.

The next day, Jez received some advice from his not so local vet (his sister Jessica) on what to do if a cow attacks you.

She advised the following:

1) Cows are slow and stupid and how could one be attacked by a cow?


2) Should it come to pass that a cow does indeed start head butting you, it is best to manoeuvre around the cow so that you are behind it and then head butt it from behind. I am guessing this would aid the cow to continue to move in the direction it was going in the first place?

For more photos of Cambridge click here: http://