Thursday, September 14, 2006

The Miracle of the Stink Stone ... and more!

'The Burger King Story'
Please note: we have no photographic evidence of the story below but rest assured, it is real.
It was a long and tiring trip home from Warwick Castle. Our flat-mate and driver Ronnie was very hungry, ravenous even. Unfortunately, Ronnie has a very refined palette and would not eat anything other than Burger King. At each exit off the highway we were travelling on, we would pray for a Burger King sign but alas their inferior rival, Wimpy, would seemed to have a monopoly on all highway exits! Finally, after the third exit, we saw a beautiful bright red sign for Burger King.

Jez decided to go for the 'Tex Mex', Ronnie the Whopper and I ordered the Junior burger. We sat down to eat our meals. Ronnie was inhaling and salivating over his burger whilst Jez discovered, to his horror that his burger...contained cheese!
Outrageous! In Oz, cheese is an extra not a standard. We all sat there horrified. Jez had peeled the burger open to find that the cheese had permeated every last inch of meat. Our valiant and hungry friend leapt up to his rescue, snatched the burger and took it back to the counter. He threw the disgraced burger on the counter and announced it wasnt kosher. The Burger King guy just stared at Ronnie and then said “you havin' a laugh?” This was no laughing matter and Ronnie declared that no, he was not havin' a laugh. Fortunately, before an all out brawl broke out, another Burger King guy stepped in declaring it was all ok and gave Ronnie a new burger - without cheese.

Stink Stone
For anyone who has ever had the pleasure of lying on Jez's naked chest (which I am hoping is not any of our readers!) you will know that even with deodorant, Jez's armpits get really really stinky. It is truly a testament of my love for him that has allowed me to endure many odorous nights without complaining - much. The inaptly named title of this blog refers to the miracle cure we found for Jez's stinky armpits and the infamous 3rd armpit or 'black hole' found between his pecs. It was highly fortuitous that after spending a day at the Spitalfield and Bricklane markets that we finally found something worth buying. Sure there were clothes and jewellery and food to die for but the true gem was found in the most unsuspecting place of all. We were eyeing this stall full of soaps and sponges and loofers and all manner of things that promised to clean us. Jez picked up what looked like a 'soap on a rope' . The stall owner gave Jez a knowing look. He could tell (and probably smell) that Jez was in the market for something much more potent than your garden variety deodorant. He looked around to ensure no one else was in hearing shot and told us how the stone that Jez was holding was a miracle cure for stinkiness. He swore that the stone would last 5 years and that Jez would never be odorous again. That night, after his shower, Jez applied the 'stink stone'. After getting into bed I lay on Jez's bare chest. Something was wrong....very wrong. I could not sleep. The usual odours that I normally inhaled to knock me out...well they just weren’t there. I stayed awake for hours smelling...nothing. Absolutely nothing.

The next day we ran around London site seeing. It was hot, humid and perfect conditions for Jez to stink. We sat on the train and I told him how amazing it was that the 'Stink Stone' worked so well even under these conditions. Hold on to your seats for this because this is truly the most amazing part of the story. Jez told me he was doing an experiment. That he had not used the stone since the night before!!! Yes, the stone was still working its miracle powers. It seems that maybe our soap-selling friend was right. The stone might really work for 5 years...